An Existential Approach to Self-Preservation
Some people distort reality and lie so persistently that even when they hurt others, they recast themselves as the victim. They justify their venomous words and actions because they feel entitled, and manipulation is the key to getting what they want. This blend of gaslighting and victimhood is uniquely disorienting—it confuses your perception and manipulates your empathy. The gaslighter appears genuine at first (sometimes easy-going or overly friendly), but they quickly begin to exploit your vulnerability until you begin to question what’s real. From an existential perspective, this is not just toxic; it’s an attack on your freedom to define your own reality.
Existential thought teaches us that we are each responsible for our own existence, our actions, our truth, and our meaning. But the gaslighter who plays the victim avoids this responsibility. They weaponize blame and fragility to control others, demanding validation while denying the same to you.
Dealing with this requires radical clarity: you must choose to stand in your truth, even if it makes you the “villain” in their story. You are not obligated to accept a false narrative to keep the peace. In fact, doing so slowly erodes your sense of self. This can happen at home or at your place of business.
Whether it is a family member, acquaintance, colleague, or partner, authenticity sometimes means walking away—not because you don’t care, but because you refuse to live in a reality with someone who lies and manipulates your time, space, and very being.
Here’s how to deal with a gaslighter while preserving your sanity and sense of self:
1. Affirm Your Reality
Gaslighting works by making you doubt your perception. Keep a journal or voice notes of key interactions to remind yourself what actually happened. Your truth is valid, even if it’s denied by others, especially those who you thought you could trust.
2. Stop Arguing with Their Narrative
When someone is committed to being the victim, logic and evidence won’t change their story. In fact, they will usually double down on their lies. They are entitled and will stop at nothing to preserve their narrative. Stop trying to prove your side. Instead, focus on setting boundaries that protect your peace.
3. Don’t Over-Explain or Justify
You do not need to keep defending your emotions or point of view. Doing so feeds the gaslighter’s need for control. They will bully you into thinking you are in the wrong, often referring to themselves as “smart” or “understanding,” when nothing could be further from the truth. Practice saying, “This is how I experienced it,” and leave it at that.
4. Stay Grounded in Your Values
Gaslighters thrive in emotional chaos and ambiguity. Clarify what matters to you—honesty, respect, boundaries—and return to these as a compass when the situation feels confusing.
5. Get Help and Get Out
Isolation empowers gaslighters. They enjoy turning people against each other (through outright lies or half-truths) and then walking innocently away, as if they were hurt by it. Talk to a therapist, trusted friend, or support group to process your experience. Not for validation, but for clarity.
6. Know When to Walk Away
Existentialism teaches that we are free to choose—even when those choices are painful. If someone consistently distorts reality and undermines your truth, choosing distance can be the most authentic and self-respecting act you can make.
Lastly, you can’t force someone to be accountable, but you can choose not to lose yourself in their chaos. The gaslighter will always feel justified in their words and actions, and they rarely change. Living authentically means embracing your freedom—even when it means disappointing someone who insists on being the victim.
