Someone asked me recently for a short list of things that would be helpful in leading a happier life. I explained that happiness, like all emotions, is fleeting. Yet, I started thinking more about her inquiry. It’s not the first time I’ve been asked for such advice. As therapists, we are trained ad nauseam that giving direct guidance of any kind is frowned upon and unwise. However, there is a time and a place for directive counsel and the positive effects it can have for a person who just wants her mind to be quiet for a bit. Often, people are so busy trying to change others around them that they forget that a firm set of boundaries will help settle even the most tempest mind.
So here listed are ten boundaries, not in any particular order, that can act as reminders. Think of them this way; if happiness is indeed fleeting and not a fixed destination then how I am opening myself up to the possibility of happiness, satisfaction and a quieter mind? These are not intended to be a road map, but rather some markers along your path that may be useful.
- It is not my job to fix others.
- It is okay to say “no.”
- I am responsible for supporting others, not servicing.
- I can only make myself happy.
- I am not responsible for the happiness of others.
- Not everyone has to agree with or like me.
- I have a right to my own feelings, including anger. It’s how I express those feelings that counts.
- I can search for my meaning and purpose without permission from another.
- I do not have to put the emotional needs of others ahead of mine.
- I am responsible for my feelings and actions.
Living a life worth living shouldn’t include sacrificing your happiness for others. Learning to value and be responsible for yourself and your feelings is not selfishness, it is an act of selflessness that is affirming and empowering. The worth of your day should not be contingent on whether those around you are “happy.” Yes, we do influence others just as they influence us, but their feelings are their feelings, nothing more you can do here. Being supportive and caring is not the same as being in service to another.
We often cling to unhappy lives because change is too frightening, but setting boundaries isn’t as scary or as complicated as it may sound. In short, real change only occurs when you attempt something different. Practicing the above list is by no means a sure bet toward a healthier or happier life, but it is a step in that direction.
If you’d like to discuss boundaries and relationships further or any other mental health concerns, please feel free to contact me or you can schedule an appointment with me.
In good health,
Don
