Tag: confidence

Group of friends smiling and taking a selfie

Confidence of Character

When I was a kid, I loved watching The Monkees on TV.  It aired really early in the morning, like 4:00 a.m. or some other ridiculous time, and since I was a kid before the glory days of DVR, I had to set my alarm to get up to watch it. I’d sneak out of my room and over to the TV, and flip it on to watch before I got back into bed. Davy Jones was my favorite -to me, he was the cutest one – but I loved the whole show: the slapstick, the songs, and all of the jokes. When Jones passed away some years ago, I was so sad; and when another of The Monkees, Peter Tork, passed away recently, I was saddened, too.

Peter was my second favorite on the show, and I was always drawn to him the same way I was drawn to George Harrison from the Beatles and Howie from the Backstreet Boys – these guys who weren’t the stars of the show, but people who contributed just the same. Maybe they stood out to me because their personalities seemed so different than mine, but I really think it’s because they were quieter people who didn’t need the spotlight as much.

You might know people like this in real life: people who know who they are, who are self-assured and confident in themselves. Maybe you’re even one of these people, and if you are, I salute you! I find it difficult for me to have that self-confidence that is content with my life and the way I live it. It’s a funny thing, because it’s the opposite of what you’d think is true: the more self-assured you are, the less you need outside validation – and the more people will probably end up validating you, because they’re drawn to you.

Maybe not right away, though. I think a lot of people, especially these days, get caught up in the flashiness, the glitz and the glamour – the costumes, and not the costume designer, so to speak. But there is a great value in being the one who doesn’t need the world to tell them how to be. They are themselves, uniquely themselves, and it’s a wonderful thing to see because it’s authentic, it’s real, and because there is only one you on the planet, it’s irreplaceable.

So to those of you who are the quiet ones that know who they are and who live that well, keep it up! And for those of you who are quiet and think you’re invisible, you’re not. People see you. By all means, reach out to others if you feel alone, but know that if your personality runs contrary to the people in society who think that you’re nobody if you don’t shout everything all the time, it’s okay to just be yourself. You’re just as needed and as valuable as everyone else.

Until next time, be well!
Christy

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eTalkTherapy - talk with a counselor onlineAbout the author: Christy Gualtieri is a freelance writer specializing in pop culture, religion, and motherhood. She lives in Pittsburgh with her husband and two children. Christy also blogs at asinglehour.wordpress.com and tweets @agapeflower117. You can  follow her here on eTalkTherapy for inspirational articles and different perspectives as they relate to good mental health.

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Setting Yourself Up For Success

by Christy Gualtieri

What’s that you asked? How’s my New Year’s resolution going? Oh! Um…great! Best New Year’s resolution execution ever! 2019 sure seems to be my year!

…I’m just kidding. It’s not that it’s not going super well, it’s that I didn’t set any resolutions for myself this year. As a person who struggles with anxiety, I know myself well enough at this point not to try to add anything to my life that will cause more stress if it doesn’t get done the way I’d like.

But that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try to become better at things, whether it’s eating more healthfully, cleaning up and organizing my home, or developing skills that can help me in the workplace or with my parenting. And to that end, I’ve been trying to keep in mind an adage that was shared with me years ago, called “Setting Up For Success.”

Before I had kids, I worked at a coffee shop, and my wonderful manager was a big fan of this philosophy. No matter which shift we worked: eye-drooping 5 a.m. openings, middle of the day “princess shifts,” or busy nighttime closings, she made sure that we not only tended to the things we needed to do for ourselves, but kept things running smoothly for the folks coming in after us. “Set them up for success,” she’d remind us daily. It’s something I’m trying to implement more in my life.

But how do we do that, set ourselves up for success? Here are a few tips that seem to be helping me right now, I hope they’ll help you too!

  1. Make a plan. Take some quiet time to ask yourself what you want in life. Don’t downplay it. Do you want to be healthier? You want to be a rockstar? NBA player? Author? Interior designer? And this doesn’t apply to just careers, by the way. Think personality. Do you want to be more loving? More patient? Less gossipy? Friendlier? All of those are laudable goals, too.
  2. Get Educated.  Read as much as you can about what you want to work on the most. If it’s not too much of a temptation to you do be around it, find some good social media sources for inspiration.  Take a class, if you’re so inclined. Utilize your local library and check out apps like Hoopla that you can use to download free content to your mobile devices using your library card.
  3. Set goals. Make them broad as can be, then whittle them down to the itty-bitty.  When writing a to-do list, put “make a to-do list” at the top as the first item so you can feel good when you cross it off. Rockstars don’t just go from the garage to the Hall of Fame. Do your research, break down your steps, and get on your way. If you think it’ll help you, tell others about your goals, so they can help to encourage you.  But if you think they’ll hold you back, there’s no shame in keeping them to yourself for a while!
  4. Work with yourself. Know your strengths and weaknesses. Sure, it looks glamorous when those fitness Instagrammers are saluting the sun at the crack of dawn, but if you’re naturally a night owl, don’t try to squeeze in those early-morning asanas. Work to find time in the afternoon or early evening to get that workout in.
  5. Think ahead. Try to think ahead to the things you’ll need to do each day.  Download organizer apps or buy a paper planner to help keep you on track for all you’ll need to prepare for what’s going on from day to day. That way, you’ll feel less unprepared. And when it’s hard to do the things you need to prepare ahead of time, do what you can to just power through.

Hopefully this little reminder that we can still look towards getting through 2019 more improved than we were when we came into it will help you! I hope that you accomplish everything you set out to do. And if not, no worries. There’s always next year!

Until next time, be well!
Christy

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The Little Guys

by Christy Gualtieri

As a mom to young kids, I haven’t been to the movies in a while (with the exception of the latest installment in the LEGO franchise at a child’s birthday party), but I love to watch the Oscars, even if I haven’t seen any of the films nominated that year. My brothers are big cinephiles, and one of our favorite ways to catch up with each other is to talk about what we’ve been seeing (or, in my case, not seeing, but want to). And this year, the Oscars are in a bit of a pickle, what with no hosts and a bunch of “let’s try this and see if it sticks” action going on; but one thing that’s been put on the table really annoyed me: awarding trophies to certain categories during television breaks.

It’s hard to believe that someone in Hollywood could be considered one of the “little guys,” but that’s the feeling I had when I heard about it. Granted, these categories (Cinematography, Film Editing, Live Action Short, and Makeup & Hair-styling) may not be quite as glamorous and exciting – the show’s producers know that people at home aren’t watching to see the behind the scenes folks get up on stage and win – and they took a gamble by excluding them. I’m happy to say, though, after some push back on social media, the producers reversed their decision and decided to televise those awards as well.

It seems a silly thing to care about, really, but it does matter. You can have wonderful lead actors and actresses, but without a cinematographer, your movie will be a visual disaster. Without film editors, a film’s message can be jumbled and lose a sense of flow and purpose. Makeup & Hair-styling adds fantastic dazzle and delight (or horror – remember Javier Bardem’s hair in “No Country For Old Men”? Yikes), and short films show the masterfulness of the craft. And you could say, “The Oscars are still giving the awards to them, just not showing it,” and you’d be right. But this is a night for them to shine and be recognized in front of the whole world.

Here’s why else it matters: it reminds us that just because you’re not in the spotlight doesn’t mean you’re not valuable. It’s a microcosm of understanding that it takes communal effort to get things done. Even in our everyday life, we who are so far from fortune and fame, are so dependent on a large network of people who we never see and barely acknowledge that keep our lives running smoothly. Do we recognize and appreciate the valuable services we receive from our mail carriers, or our trash collectors, or the workers making sure the power on the grid is still on?

Here’s a challenge for you this week: choose someone around you who makes your life better, and thank them for what they do. (I understand that they get paid for it, just as the cinematographers and the film editors do.) But thank them anyway, and know that by recognizing them, you are recognizing the fact that we all make a difference in our own way, whether you’re seen by the greater public or not.

You make a difference. You are valuable.

Until next time, be well!
Christy

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Boosting self esteem and body image in boys

By Don Laird, NCC, LPC, DCC

The phrase “poor body image” is typically thought to be a term exclusive to women or adolescent girls. However, in recent years we have seen a growing number of adolescent boys and even adult men reporting poor body image. How can you help teenage boys develop a positive outlook with the way they feel about their physical appearance?

Talk about it. Don’t pretend as though he’s just “going through a phase.”

The effects of poor body image among boys tend to be internal and are usually associated with reduced confidence and low self-esteem. Poor body image is often much more difficult to identify in boys than in girls. Teenage boys’ issues are usually not physically apparent or outwardly excessive, although some may engage in extreme exercise and/or develop an eating disorder.

If you suspect a problem, ask questions. Then be patient and listen without judgment, criticism or using minimizing statements such as, “You just need to stop always comparing yourself to other people,” or worse “Be a man and suck it up.”

Indicators of a poor body image in adolescent boys are often subtle and may include:

  • Unrealistic expectations for body type.
  • Excessively conforming to others expectations.
  • Having low energy.
  • Poor diet.
  • Becoming withdrawn or demonstrating a low mood for an extended period of time.

Model healthy behaviors. We’re all in this together.

Kids and teens gain knowledge from their surroundings. They observe much more than we give them credit. Consequently, make every attempt to model healthy behavior by eating a balanced diet and making those foods available to your kids. They may not want or like them, but you are setting the bar for how they forge their relationship with food and themselves. In addition to focusing on his nutrition and physical activity, pay attention to his exposure to media.

Just like girls and women, the media exposes boys to continuous messages about an ideal body image. During the teenage years, this can be damaging because teen boys are undergoing dramatic body changes. They are vulnerable to holding themselves to unrealistic standards and often feel bad about who they are because of what they look like. Obviously there is no way to escape all media influence, but you can engage your children by teaching critical thinking skills without passing judgment on them or others.

Talk with your son’s doctor or a professional counselor.

If in doubt, or if you notice your son is growing more obsessed with body image, talk with your teen’s doctor about your concerns. He or she can discuss these issues with your son, such as what is the meaning of body image, proper nutrition and skin care, and what should his expectations be for himself.

In Good Health,
Don

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Turning Dreams and Goals into Action

by Don Laird, MS, NCC, LPC, DCC

What’s on your “bucket list?”

Writing a novel?

Traveling through Europe or Asia or both?

Learning how to paint or play piano or dance the Tango?

Goals and dreams give us hope, make life interesting, and provide us with a source of everlasting motivation and meaning. Often they present a sense of balance in a seemingly unbalanced world. Naturally, realizing your goals and dreams requires action.

You know all the tired, self-generated excuses as to why your goals are “impractical” or “will have to wait until a better time.” You’ve justified these reasons enough that they have become the only response to your ever-patient, ever-waiting life dreams. Here are a few thoughts that might turn these excuses into accomplishments and help you realize the potential of your life’s goal:

  1. What do I really want? It seems like a simple question until you begin focusing on what is important. What gives me a sense of connection, purpose and meaning? What is my “calling?” Do I possess talents and abilities that I have told myself are not practical or unimportant? How many of my negative thoughts about my dreams and goals are self generated?
  2. How will I get there? What do you need to connect the dots between Point A and Point B. Map out each step you might take on your journey. If you don’t have some plan in mind, you will likely find yourself struggling with frustration and uncertainty.
  3. What if my dream were already happening? Successful performers, sports figures and entrepreneurs report they are able to visualize their achievements far in advance. The use of positive visualization does not make automatically your dreams or goals come true, but it does provide a healthy nutrient for the soil in which your achievements can take root.
  4. What can I control? Staying focused on your goals and dreams without allowing others to interfere can be difficult at times, but not impossible. Do NOT allow others to dictate or influence your goals and aspirations. Becoming caught in others opinions or good intentions often times is the proverbial pin to your goal balloon. Remain in the present, knowing that you can only control what is happening at this moment, and only what is happening with you.
  5. What if I fail? Every journey will have its share of stormy weather. Treat any rejection or misstep as a learning moment toward realizing your dream and goal. Most everyone can agree that they will regret what they DIDN’T do in life versus what they did do.
  6. Is it even realistic? Perhaps not, but are you willing to try? Be persistent and flexible. Know that you will have to “roll with the punches” from time to time. Perhaps you will be surprised over what you discover about yourself on your journey.

Get going – now! Tend to your dreams and goals. Your journey can begin with a first, small step.

In good health,
Don

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Shadow, Light and Latte

by Aurora Starr

Sitting in the coffee shop I watched with fixed curiosity as a thirty-something woman entered from the rain-soaked sidewalk.  Her choice of attire; a colorful skirt and solid blouse with smartly matched leggings and subtle make-up simply shrieked of someone who was poised and full of purpose. As she carefully ordered some variation of a flat white, caramel, green tea infused what-the-fuckuccino I took note of her face. Was she rushed? Flustered? Indecisive? No, shit, she looked beautiful and confident, didn’t she? One might even say that she appeared to be brimming with self-assurance. I quickly adjusted my sweater, smoothed out my skirt and then thought about shifting my attitude.

Mean Girl – Table for One

My thoughts can quickly leap from that of cool, calm Zen goddess to the founder and CEO of Imposter, Inc. Self-sabotage is something that I’m sure most women and girls are familiar with, but we rarely talk about it. Yet, the inner-mean girl seems to always be waiting just on the other side of the locker room and she is not happy. How am I certain of that? Well, if my thoughts suddenly shift to, “There are people far better and more talented than you. Life comes to them naturally and everything for you is a struggle. You’re going to fail so why even try?” then I know I am committing self-sabotage.  My personal favorite from the Mean Girl Greatest Hits Compilation, “Who do you think you are? Don’t be too happy. You lucked out and people will see through you soon enough.”

The Great Pretender

What I just described is known as impostor syndrome and it is produced by feelings and thoughts of worthlessness, insecurity, and devaluation of self. In fact, even high-achievers often fear being exposed as frauds. It can occur when trying something new or even when doing something familiar. It is a constant threat of “being exposed” on a professional and/or personal level as a con-artist, and a belief and bias that most of what you do is all about the timing and people will find out.

Self-awareness can be a frustrating quality to possess. I know these things, but what do I do with them? Talk to a friend, a therapist, a priest? What good will any of that do? Then the light-bulb goes off, no amount of thinking will change anything. I’m caught in the same self-defeating, help blocking loop that brings me full circle when it comes to self-sabotage. Something must change, and I’m the only one with any control over that realization.

I am not an impostor or a fraud. I am here because I’ve worked for it. There will always be others doing it better than me, but there’s only one me. Period. I have a voice that is my own, and I want to share it with the world. It’s not about being selfish or egocentric. It’s about affirming my right to be alive and engage with others in a meaningful and helpful way. Doubting my self-worth will do little to help.

Now if this is beginning to sound like one of those self-help books or seminars, let me save you the trouble. Stop reading. I won’t mind, really. I am the first one to call bullshit on all the women and men who profess to have the answers to life and happiness and peddle their reality as truth and common sense as some sort of universal awakening.

Being Perfect in My Imperfections

When we set unrealistic expectations for ourselves and goals that are based on what we think others want then we are drafting the blueprints for self-sabotage. Instead, begin to focus on the value of what you’re doing rather than how you’re doing it. In other words, determined action is far better than perfection. Ask yourself, what value can you find in the things you do? And don’t compare yourself with others, especially on social media. Those outlets are little more than masturbation, fun for a moment, but not a substitute for a real face-to-face encounter.

Allow for the time to honor and take inventory of your professional and personal achievements without shrinking away in self-deprecating negative talk or minimizing your efforts. Again, there will always be someone, smarter, richer, prettier and more talented, but that shouldn’t stop you from being a creative beast and contributing your efforts to the world. Big or small, your accomplishments and hard work count. Be proud – smile and say thank you when you are recognized for an accomplishment. Above all, own it.

Our life journey should not be one based on comparison. It really is not a competition. I am no better or worse than the person next to me. Our life situations are different, and we are unique, but we are no better or worse by comparison. It’s all relative.

As for the woman in the coffee shop? I watched her exit as composed as she had entered, quickly hailed a cab and made her way into the rainy cityscape. I wished her the best on her journey and then wished the same for myself.

Shine bright,
Aurora

Please note: The opinions expressed in this blog are not necessarily the views of eTalkTherapy. Aurora Starr is a freelance writer, not a therapist, and her views, thoughts and opinions are her own. However, if you are easily offended then Aurora’s blog may not be for you.