How to Handle Anxiety and Stress with My Kids

To say that the past few years have been a collective strain on most of us is an understatement. Wedged somewhere between a global pandemic, political and economic chaos, polarization in our homes and institutions, mass shootings, and an emergent war in Ukraine, we find ourselves struggling to get by from day to day. Recently, descriptors like numb, stuck, frustrated, exhausted and hopeless are common with most everyone I meet as a therapist.

One group that has been particularly vulnerable and affected by these events are parents. Providing safety, shelter, food, and other necessities has always been a benchmark of parenting. However, the yardstick by which the basics are measured now feels threatened, fueled by fear and misinformation. How can we help ourselves while not producing more anxiety in our kids? Here are some tips that might be helpful for parents to navigate the growing level of intense anxiety their kids are experiencing.

1. Turn down the volume. Try to help a child navigate and manage their anxiety. Anxiety is something live with, not avoid or turn off. The better way to help children overcome anxiety is to help them learn to live with it. Over time the volume will lower itself.

2. Understand balance. Don’t avoid things just because they make a child anxious. Avoiding things that we are afraid of will make us feel better presently, but it reinforces and increases the anxiety over the long run.

3. Express positive and realistic expectations. Don’t set yourself or your child up for failure. Create realistic expectations for scheduling and self-care.

4. Support, don’t service. Respect feelings, but don’t empower them. Validating feelings doesn’t mean you have to agree with them. Explore feelings and listen without judgment.

5. Be encouraging. Let your child know that you appreciate how hard they’re working and remind them that the more we accept and manage anxiety, the more it will diminish.

6. Practice anticipatory care for yourself, too. Don’t over discuss or over talk an issue, event, or problem. Talking your fears out loud can be helpful, but there is also a limit. Like everything else try to strike a balance.

7. Think things through with your child. Sometimes it helps to talk through what would happen if a fear came true—how would they handle it? For some children, having a plan can reduce uncertainty in a healthy way.

Finally, try to model healthy ways of handling anxiety. Take time for yourself. Don’t relegate your own mental health to “someday” or “when there’s more time.” Don’t pretend that anxiety, stress, worry, and fear are foreign concepts to you. Let kids hear or see you managing it calmly, accepting it and getting through it in a balanced way.

Talking with one of eTalkTherapy’s caring and experienced professionals can help you learn how to cope with your fears and anxieties about the future. We offer private and affordable therapy sessions via video or phone in the comfort of your home. Contact us today for details.

Moving Forward and Managing Our Fears

Tell Me More Podcast: Episode 6


(Music fades in) We thought we had seen (and somehow lived) through it all. A seemingly endless global pandemic, political unrest at home, supply chain shortages and inflation. But just as the transmission rates of the latest Covid 19 variant surge declined, global tensions rose as Russia invaded Ukraine, igniting fears of a growing international conflict.

What next? What else? And what can we do to move forward and manage our fears in these uncertain times?

I’m Susan Brozek Scott and in this episode of Tell Me More, we’re talking with Don Laird, licensed psychotherapist and founder of eTalkTherapy.com, who can help us unpack layers of emotions that have been building up over the past few years. Don, good to be with you. (Music fades out)

DON: It’s great to be with you again Susan.

SUSAN: Don, beyond people’s personal stories, struggles and losses these past years, technology enables us to see in real time a lot of images of human suffering that have put people on edge, especially if they feel powerless to change anything. How are people coping? What are you seeing and hearing?

DON: That’s a great question Susan. Before I answer it though I do want to say some of the things we’ll be talking about today are going to feel a bit heavy and a bit doom-and-gloom. It’s not like that we have hope on the horizon and we will touch on that a little later in the segment. But to give you a response to that question – the answer right now is a mixed bag, overall, we are not doing well. I’m seeing a lot of anger and continued polarization around most of these issues that have been plaquing us for the past two years. In all my years of practice, I’ve never experienced so much anger, anxiety, and fear. A bit of the challenge to the fields of psychiatry and psychology, is that not unlike the medical community, were ill equipped for the pandemic and it’s beginning to show. People feel as though something bad is about to happen, they can’t tell you how or when, but it’s right around that next corner. And with what’s happening when we turn on out TVs or look at social media or the news on our phones it’s clear that a lot is happening in our world that has us feeling as if we’re in an existential crisis because we are. We’re experiencing unprecedented levels of anxiety, fear, and existential loneliness.

SUSAN: Where do we start? How do we start to unpack all of the trauma and all of the anxiety and the really the fear that has been building up these past few years?

DON:  Take action. Seek help. Talk about it. Life is always new. It’s always changing if we recognize it as such. We’re not putting on rose colored glasses here, but by acknowledging the suffering and seeing that life and real hope begins on the other side of suffering – right. We have this idea that well we don’t talk about suffering, we talk about death. If it doesn’t itch, don’t scratch it kind of attitude. But here’s the thing, we’re in this position because we haven’t talked about it and we haven’t moved on it and taken action. So talking about our fears, exploring, and embracing them in a meaningful way can produce some life-long changes.

Look Susan, I could sit here and list off the latest study or ongoing research into this or that, but is that truly helpful? Is that truly helpful for the people listening today?

As therapists and help givers, let’s give help seekers – people out there trying to make real changes in their life – let’s give them a real chance to overcome their fears of therapy by understanding that it is not all back on them. It’s not all them to be alone with their feelings and emotions. Of course, it’s how they actualize those feelings into action and that where that real and creative therapy can help with. Let’s start there.

I think you had mentioned a word “unpack” Susan. And unpack is a great word. How does anyone unpack? If you’re like me you dump the bag all over the bed, and maybe you get to it that night but most likely sometime that week of putting things away. Some people do that they dump everything onto the bed, or others methodically removing one item at a time and analyze it before putting it away, or some leave the bag in the corner until they can get to it? Is there a right way to unpack? And the answer is no. Every person is different. Every help seeker needs their own therapy, not one prescribed to them by some one size fits all approach.

SUSAN: Well given where we are now, as we’re trying to unpack and everyone is using a different formula what do you see as some of the biggest mental health challenges that are still ahead in the next few months and years?

You know I’m personally seeing people acting out in unusual ways – just even driving down the highway – it seems that people have forgotten how to drive, does that make any sense?

DON: It is and you make a great point Susan. I think these things are acting out right – in ways – we’re seeing rage and anger at an all time high and it’s not about the person cutting me off in traffic – it’s about all the pent of frustration, and hurt and rage that I’ve experienced over the past few years. Maybe my entire life and it has to come out somehow. So pragmatically and logistically speaking, how do we address this? Getting mental health resources available for everyone. Taking the stigma away. Let’s start there. When in doubt we should be going the human route. That’s a favorite saying of mine, Susan. When in doubt go with the human route. Let’s promote flourishing, I’ve mentioned this earlier in the segment, let’s promote flourishing and not focus exclusively on pathology and diagnosis. Understanding how we are all counted helps us remove the illusion or idea of loneliness, and anger and helps transform that anger and fear that comes from feeling separated into something creative and life changing. I can’t stress that enough. That’s really how good therapy works. It helps transform feelings of anger and fear and anxiety and loneliness into something creative and life changing.

SUAN: Do you think it’s helping to reduce the stigma by athletes, by celebrities , even political leaders when they come forward and say yes, I’ve been dealing with a mental health challenge and here’s how I’m going to prioritize my health over a competition or a duty that I have to perform. Do you think that’s helpful when we see because we’re surrounded by social media so many people coming forward and beginning to acknowledge that rather than try to hide it?

DON: Absolutely! Absolutely, Susan. We wouldn’t be having this conversation if a sports figure or celebrity came forward and said I have cancer or I have been diagnosed with diabetes or I’ve been struggling with heart disease. This is part o the dialog we should be having and when people do come forward that is such a great help. Right, when people come forward and they say I struggle with this, I have issues with that – it helps normalize it in a way that the stigma, a lot of the air gets taken out of it. (SUSAN: A lot of the courage. ) Absolutely and we have a long way to go. Calling a therapist, contacting a therapist, setting up that first appointment, it’s an act of courage. I can’t emphasize that enough.

SUSAN: So if you’re a family member and you have a friend or someone that you care about and you sense something is a little different with them how do you step in or what can you do to help them? Is it taking an action with them or talking to them or listening. How can you help because I’ve really talked to a lot of people that have reached out and tried to help but they are sure exactly what to do.

DON: Yes, this is important. All the above. Ok a little bit of all the above is the answer. But encourage them to seek help from a professional therapist. Look Susan Let’s be a friend, a spouse, a sibling, and a parent first. Don’t try to take on the role of counselor any more than you would try to take on a specialized role of being a lawyer or cardiologist or a dentist. We wouldn’t do that so most of the time what we end up doing to is we end up giving advice, something the person has already thought about. So in the mean time just sit and listen, hear what is being said, listen deeply without offering that advice or some platitudes – advice on what you would do in that situation – and always bring your best self to the conversation. (Susan: Be present.) Be present, absolutely.

SUSAN: Don Laird, licensed Psychotherapist and founder of eTalkTherapy.com, thanks for helping guide us through these really challenging times.

DON: As always, Susan, thank you so much for having me and thank you for everybody listening out there.

(Music fades in)

Susan: This podcast does NOT provide medical advice. The content is for informational purposes only. Consult with your doctor on all medical issues regarding your condition and treatments. The Content is NOT intended to be a substitute for professional, psychiatric or medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment, nor does it replace the need for services provided by a medical or psychiatric professional. Always seek the advice of a medical professional, psychiatrist or therapist before making any changes to your treatment.

(Music fades out).

Finding Normal Part II

Life on the Other Side of Suffering

The military has a slang phrase that I’ve always liked: “Embrace the suck.” Embrace that which is terrible – accept it, get through it, and become changed by it (hopefully for the better). 

And there is so much to embrace! I mentioned last time the tremendous amount of collective sucking there has been over the last few years, which has run from the extremes of contagious (and fatal) disease to the terribly deep distrust that many people have about the truth and where it comes from, to the degeneration of relationships and the literal fear of other people and suspicion of their activities. And also, war! So yes, much sucking. And yes, much opportunity for embracing.

Why embrace suffering? In my last blog post I wrote that suffering must not be the entirety of your life. Why not? A couple of reasons: one, because if it is, your life will feel as though it amounts to nothing, which feels terrible (and will continue to feel terrible if it is not addressed). If your life feels terrible, you will forget that you are a very important and needed part of the world, and so the world will be terribly shortchanged by your withdrawal from it. And two, because life was never meant to be all suffering. There is a lot of beauty and a lot of good in the world, and just as people have suffered since the beginning of time, so have they also enjoyed goodness. Your life does not need to be only suffering; and if it feels as though it’s all that is, please, please reach out to a professional who can help you work through those feelings. Life is not meant to be all pain; help is available to you. 

But if no one can escape suffering, what does the embracing of it look like? I think acceptance has a lot to do with it – looking it straight in the face and recognizing it for what it is. Accepting that things (like illnesses, like war) are realities, and we exist in that reality. Once we accept something, things get easier because we’re not mentally tired from the effort of running away from it. And there is a difference, I think, between acknowledging something and accepting it. “I totally acknowledge that there is a pandemic today,” I may say as I eat an entire pint of ice cream straight from the carton in a very panicky way, wishing I had a time machine in which to jump straight back to 2019; but without the acceptance of it, it just becomes a Very Scary Thing To Think About and doesn’t move on from there. (I also get Brain Freeze and sick of ice cream.) 

Acceptance of something that scares you doesn’t need to take the fear of it away, but it does allow us some greater sense of control over ourselves and our actions. “I accept that there is a pandemic that TOTALLY SUCKS and is stripping me of my basic desires to go outdoors and interact with other people and I am very angry and scared about it,” I may say. And then I can have one spoonful of the ice cream and get on with the day because I have vocalized my feelings and thus have taken ownership and responsibility for them. I have embraced that suck.

Embracing it also means understanding that things aren’t perfect. Viruses exist (in part) because we live in an imperfect world. War exists (in part) because leaders are flawed people. We suffer in our lives because sometimes the choices we make aren’t great. But embracing our humanity – our flaws – helps us to be empathetic to others and to develop an understanding outside of ourselves, which is always a good thing. If I am not perfect (and I assure you that I am not), and you are not perfect, there is a common ground that we both stand on together. Reconciliation happens out of that knowledge. Acceptance happens out of that knowledge – and the fruit of those things are life – changing for the better.

Embracing the suck, to me, means realizing that yes, terrible things happen. Traumatic, painful, unspeakable things happen that we need to heal from. But we can’t heal from them if we don’t face them, don’t see them for what they are, don’t do what we can to fix them. And we can’t do that if we’re hiding. 

I know that it’s really, really really hard to do, but we also don’t need to embrace suffering alone. It is good for us to be in a community, in a society. Talk it out. Find people who will listen to you, that will help you wrap your arms around it all and will give you the strength to do so. If we all do this together, we can collectively make such a tremendous difference, a positive one, in the world.

Until next time, be well!
Christy

***

eTalkTherapy - talk with a counselor online

About the author: Christy Gualtieri is a freelance writer specializing in pop culture, religion, and motherhood. She lives in Pittsburgh with her husband and two children. Christy also blogs at asinglehour.wordpress.com and tweets @agapeflower117. You can  follow her here on eTalkTherapy for inspirational articles and different perspectives as they relate to good mental health.

Finding Normal Part I

Pandemics, Wars, and Giant Spiders

“Would you mind telling me whose brain I did put in?”
“…And you won’t be angry?”
“I will NOT be angry.”
“Abby…someone.”
“Abby someone? Abby who?”
“Abby normal.”
-Young Frankenstein, 1974

Ah, normality. Remember that? Late February, early March 2020, before all of the lockdowns and the fear and the toilet paper that was impossible to get? What did it look like for you? For me, it was pretty simple: a husband, two kids, homework and preschool and dinner on the table. Weekend trips to see family in different states every now and then, day trips into the city to catch a ball game or to visit the museum. Going to the library, for crying out loud. And then, suddenly, in a large sweeping motion, it was gone. 

I won’t go into it. You lived it, too. But what was meant to be a return to normalcy this summer has sort of warped into this abnormal space that has the taste of what things used to be like, because we have all passed through this shadow that has changed us somehow, regardless of whether or not we actually contracted the virus. It seems we can have barbecues again, for example- but will they be attended by the same people that used to come to them, or have we stopped talking to them because they didn’t get a vaccine? No need for masks these days, but can we look at our neighbor the way we used to – with love, or affection, or affability – even though they still wear one? 

That’s just the coronavirus. Vacations can return now with less fear of catching Covid-19, but with the price of gas rising to unprecedented levels, is it practical? Gas is a concern for some; but what of the heavy psychic weight of possible nuclear war? And have you heard about those giant Joro spiders that are as big as a human palm?* 

But I’ve been thinking about this recently, about all of the suffering that has consumed our every point of media – both in the last couple of years with coronavirus and in the most of weeks with the war in Ukraine – and I’ve come to the realization that when it comes to suffering, it really doesn’t matter. Not in a nihilistic way, where everything is suffering and everything is meaningless, but in a way that suggests that there has never been a long time in our lives that was without suffering. 

We have all suffered together because of the global impact of coronavirus, the way we are all suffering together in one form or another (whether it be personally or emotionally or economically) because of the war in Ukraine, and so we have become used to suffering in the collective. But there have been sufferings in your life that were clearly demarcated by a Before and an After that haven’t been collectively shared. For my friend and neighbor, for example, it was before and after her breast cancer diagnosis; for me it was before and after my mother died. For you it has been something else entirely. And it will continue to be.

All of this is to say that life – any life, and most lives – contain a certain amount of suffering. Some suffering (I think, although people have disagreed with me on this) is objectively more tragic than others – I personally don’t believe all suffering is equal – but there is no such thing as a suffering-free life. It just doesn’t exist. That was always the case, stretching back across the millennia. So no, it’s not looking like this summer will be as it was before the Covid-19 pandemic, for a multitude of reasons. 

But – and this is a very big but – although suffering is a part of everyone’s life, neither does it have to be the entirety of it. In fact, it must not be the entirety of it, or it will be what destroys everything. 

This has been an especially difficult couple of years, and it’s not looking so great in a lot of ways moving forward. But just as we all suffered as a group, maybe in the coming days and weeks we can find ways to relieve it as a group. More on that next time!

Until next time, be well!
Christy

*I know those ridiculous spiders are harmless because their bite doesn’t break human skin, but come on.

***

eTalkTherapy - talk with a counselor online

About the author: Christy Gualtieri is a freelance writer specializing in pop culture, religion, and motherhood. She lives in Pittsburgh with her husband and two children. Christy also blogs at asinglehour.wordpress.com and tweets @agapeflower117. You can  follow her here on eTalkTherapy for inspirational articles and different perspectives as they relate to good mental health.

Making a New Year Self-Care Checklist

My mom was an early riser. Up hours before the sun (and before anyone else in the house was awake), she’d be downstairs in our basement, the morning news sounding from a small portable TV. She would pore over her daily lists, notes and numbers she kept on legal pads; and with cigarette and coffee in hand, she spent all that time looking over her to-do list for the day.

It’s not a bad idea, making lists. It’s a good way to check in with yourself, to write down concretely on paper all the thoughts and feelings that may be floating around in your head. In these last waning days of 2021, making a list may very well be a good exercise in how to wring out the old year and ring in the new one.

If you’re so inclined (and have a few quiet minutes to yourself), grab a piece of paper (or a Word document). Ask yourself the following questions:

  • How have I grown in 2021? What have I done that has stretched me?
  • How have I shrunk in 2021? What has frightened me?
  • Whom did I grow closer to, and who have I drifted away from? How do I feel about that?
  • What books did I read/media have I consumed? Is it something I want to continue? Do more of, or less of?
  • What was my biggest accomplishment of 2021? What was my biggest regret?

Then, using the answers to these questions, write a letter to yourself. Give yourself some perspective – get it all out on paper. Keep it, if you want, in a journal or in a file, and return to it after some time. Did what you were worried about occur? What great things have happened since then?

I don’t know how 2021 went for you. I suspect, like it was for most people, it was a really challenging year, filled with steep valleys and cloudy skies. But maybe there were a few – and even more than a few – days where you felt happiness and joy.

My hope for you in 2022 is that those joyful days continue to increase, your path is more level and smooth, and you feel the rays of the sun on your soul.

Until next time, be well!
Christy

***

About the author: Christy Gualtieri is a freelance writer specializing in pop culture, religion, and motherhood. She lives in Pittsburgh with her husband and two children. Christy also blogs at asinglehour.wordpress.com and tweets @agapeflower117. You can  follow her here on eTalkTherapy for inspirational articles and different perspectives as they relate to good mental health.

How to deal with Holiday Stress

Humans adapt, for better or worse. When times are turbulent, we grow more cautious and fearful, maybe even bitter. We learn how to scrimp and save, sometimes to a fault. Some of us become industrious, some of us become increasingly afraid. Some of us learn to ride the waves, and some even go with the flow.

I was thinking about adaptation recently as the holiday season approaches, about holiday gatherings and seeing friends and family. I’m sure you’ve seen the endless ads showing families happily reuniting, pre-Covid style, picking up where 2019 left off – I’ve seen them too. But what do you do if you don’t want to see other people? What if you don’t want to go back to normal because normal in 2021 isn’t what normal was back in 2019. What if it hurts to go back to normal?

In Plato’s Allegory of the Cave, the people who are chained to the wall in the cave, once they are persuaded to go up into the light of the sun, are in pain at first. The sunlight burns their eyes; it’s not comfortable. In a similar way, we can be in pain this holiday season, because it can feel overwhelming to act like everything is okay when we’ve been told for a very long time that it is not. It’s a lot for a person to wrestle with, and we don’t all adjust and adapt in the same way.

All of this to say: before the hustle and bustle of the season really gets underway, before you make any travel plans or do too much shopping that it’s okay (and maybe even necessary) to check in with yourself first. How are you feeling physically? Emotionally? Where are you in pain? Where do you feel the most healthy? There is nothing wrong with going slowly, if you need to. There is nothing wrong with taking some time to think about what you would like or need from those you would like to visit with this holiday season, and there’s nothing wrong with asking.

It’s not the easiest thing to do, I know. It’s hard when other people are adjusting to life at a different speed than you are, even members of your own families or close friends. That can be painful, too. But just remember that you are worth the time you need to take to figure things out in your own time.

This holiday, give yourself the gift of listening – to yourself. Ask questions and really listen to your inner voice without judgment. I wish you and your family a wonderful holiday season (no matter with how many people – or few! – you decide to celebrate with)!

Until next time, be well!
Christy

***

eTalkTherapy - talk with a counselor online

About the author: Christy Gualtieri is a freelance writer specializing in pop culture, religion, and motherhood. She lives in Pittsburgh with her husband and two children. Christy also blogs at asinglehour.wordpress.com and tweets @agapeflower117. You can  follow her here on eTalkTherapy for inspirational articles and different perspectives as they relate to good mental health.

Grounding Techniques to Help with Anxiety

Living in the Moment

I work as an aide in a Preschool, and this year’s class is bursting with energy. I’m greeted at the start of each school day with bubbly stories, eager 4-year-olds ready to learn and sing, and some of the cutest faces you ever did see.

One of those faces belongs to Mikey (not his real name), one of the sweeter kids in the class. He listens and does his best to follow along when the teacher guides them through forming their letters and learning about things like the weather and what day of the week it is, and he always has a story to tell about a place he went to with his parents or the things he does over the weekends.

Now that the school year has been underway for some weeks, he’s fallen into a routine. One of Mikey’s favorite things to do just before school begins is to sidle up to either myself or the teacher, look at us very seriously while holding up a finger, and say, “I have a question.”

“Yes, Mikey?”

“How long is it until I can go home?”

And we smile and tell him that he’ll go home at the end of the school day, listing off the various things that happen before then. “There’s a lesson first,” I’ll say, “then snack time, then art class, then playtime, then lunch. And then we have recess, then rest time, another lesson, and then we go home.”

He’ll nod seriously at that, furrow his little brow, and return to his seat. And for the rest of each day, he’ll stop and ask one of us when the thing we are participating in will be over. During the morning lesson, he’ll ask when snack time is. When snack is underway, he’ll ask when art class is. During art class, he’ll ask when lunch is – and so on and so forth, for the entire rest of the day.

“Try not to worry about the next thing, Mikey,” I tell him. “Just think about what’s happening right now. The day will go faster that way.”

He has yet to master that ability. It seems like an easy thing to joke about, but his routine does make sense to me – the little guy is trying to ground himself in the midst of a churning hullabaloo – and I can’t say that I’m unlike him in my own way. True, I don’t ask the teacher what our schedule is every hour of the day, but how many times have I looked at my own calendar ad nauseum, trying to figure out what else I have coming down the pike? How often, when I’ve been worried, have I thought about what will happen next; and once I’ve gotten there, immediately worried about the next event? Too many times. And, each time, just like little Mikey, I’ve furrowed my brow, not taking my own advice – not thinking about what’s happening right now.

I’m sure I’m not alone; maybe you feel the same way too. Maybe you feel swept up in the current of worrying about what’s coming next, and you want to know the future so you can corral it, subdue it, and have some sort of handle on it so you don’t feel completely out of control. But if you are like me, maybe we can try to figure out how to calm down, take a moment (or two, or a hundred) and try to truly live in the moment.

One thing I like to do is to listen to calming music and ambient sounds, so downloading a calming-type app may be helpful (or looking up videos of quiet and calming nature scenes on YouTube may do the trick). Taking time to just sit in quietude is hard to do but incredibly worthy of your time once you get in the habit of it. Maybe a yoga class is more your style, visiting a house of worship or talking a walk – so many things can help to keep you grounded in the moment that you’re in. Every moment is special, even if it’s mundane – and anything we can do to help us stay in the moment is sure to do us a world of good.

Until next time, be well!
Christy

***

eTalkTherapy - talk with a counselor online

About the author: Christy Gualtieri is a freelance writer specializing in pop culture, religion, and motherhood. She lives in Pittsburgh with her husband and two children. Christy also blogs at asinglehour.wordpress.com and tweets @agapeflower117. You can  follow her here on eTalkTherapy for inspirational articles and different perspectives as they relate to good mental health.

How to Work Through Your Fears

What Scares You

What was your first scary movie? I was ten when I was at a sleepover and the movie of choice was “Child’s Play.” Do you remember that one? About the creepy, evil, possessed doll named Chucky that would come to life and murder people? Not the best movie to show a ten-year-old, that’s for sure. (Especially a ten-year-old whose cousins owned a “My Buddy doll” that was Chucky’s spitting image and terrified her for quite a few months afterward.)

It was so much easier being a kid and scared of concrete, real things that could be defined. I was scared of murderous dolls. I was scared of hurricanes. I was scared of losing my parents. I was scared of walking down the stairs. I was scared of bees.

I outgrew a lot of those fears (although I’m still pretty afraid of bees – and murderous dolls). But as a grown-up, the things that frightened me became less real and a lot more nebulous, easily identifiable by the way they begin in my mind (always with a “what if?”): What if my life doesn’t have meaning? What if something I say or do hurts someone else? What if the supply chain breaks down before Christmas and my kids can’t get what they asked Santa for? What if my family dies in some weird freak accident and I’m alone forever? Those were fears that existed long before coronavirus, but now, the fear is even more amplified in some ways because of it, too. (I don’t think I need to list out the fears attached to that!)

There are ways to subdue or mitigate these fears – regular visits with a therapist to talk them out is something I’d highly recommend – but I think it’s important to acknowledge that they exist, not only for children, but for adults, too. They manifest in sometimes very similar ways, but very different ones, too – where a child and a grownup both may suffer from anxiety-induced stomachaches, maybe a grownup would be the one out of the two that would pitch a fit at Arby’s for getting their order wrong.

In the Wes Anderson film “The Grand Budapest Hotel,” the protagonist, M. Gustave, gives a very telling quote about fear in adulthood: “Rudeness is merely the expression of fear. People fear they won’t get what they want. The most dreadful and unattractive person just needs to be loved, and they will open up like a flower.”

There’s a truth in that. Fear is a powerful motivator, but it can’t be conquered by tantrums, or dominance, or aggression – just love. (True, love isn’t what beats Chucky at the end of the Child’s Play films or its sequels, but that’s neither here nor there.)

It’s not an easy thing to overcome your fears. And it’s trite to just dismissively say that you can love your way through them, but it is a reality that if you can love and trust yourself enough to get through the things that you fear most, then you will. And that’s no small thing. It takes practice, but it can be achieved.

So think about the thing that is frightening you the most. You may have no control over it whatsoever, but that’s okay. Just try your best – however long it takes you – to tell yourself that whatever will come, you will get through it. You will come out the other side. A different person, maybe, but that’s all right too. Tell yourself you will love yourself through it, put that into practice, and see what happens to your fears. If nothing else, it’s worth a try.

Until next time, be well!
Christy

***

eTalkTherapy - talk with a counselor online

About the author: Christy Gualtieri is a freelance writer specializing in pop culture, religion, and motherhood. She lives in Pittsburgh with her husband and two children. Christy also blogs at asinglehour.wordpress.com and tweets @agapeflower117. You can  follow her here on eTalkTherapy for inspirational articles and different perspectives as they relate to good mental health.

How Therapy Can Change Your Life

Not What I Expected

I don’t know what I expected, but here they are: the house painters we’d booked weeks ago, large men with friendly faces and a radio that plays the Classic Rock station while they work. What did I expect? What you see on TV or in old cartoons, I guess: a man in overalls and a painting cap, cheerfully swiping a paintbrush and whistling while he works.

What the painters at my home today are doing is not that. There’s a lot of banging and stripping, blasting and wrapping. They’re cheerful enough and still friendly, but bear an uncanny resemblance to what my journey though therapy has been like.

My first impressions of therapy were, again, not unlike something I’d see on TV: sitting on a couch talking about my feelings, cheerfully swiping the paintbrush of the events of my day over the siding of my mind, maybe even while whistling! But what therapy became was the same hard work as my real painters. There was a lot of work involved. A lot of noise, a lot of banging around as old memories came to the surface and hard-weathered problems needed to be stripped away. I confronted (and still do) friendships in my life as broken as the shutters that have fallen off of the front of my house during thunderstorms; and I am still grappling with how ugly the thoughts in my mind are and how much they resemble the peeling flaking ugliness of the old paint that flitters to the base of my driveway like so many chipped snowflakes.

It is a well-known fact to those who go to therapy that it is hard work, indeed.

A song plays on the painters’ radio: Fleetwood Mac’s “Landslide.”

Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

I don’t know.

I don’t know if I can either. Actually, that’s not true. I know I can, although the difference between handling them by myself and handling them with a therapist is immense. And so I value the work, as hard as it is. I value therapy the way I am valuing the current havoc that is being wrought on my house for the same reasons: because after all that hard work, there will be something beautiful left behind. My home will look refreshed and bright and welcoming after the painters have done their good work; and I will be able to sail through the changes of my life after mine.

If you’re deciding whether or not therapy is right for you, I highly encourage you to consider the difference it can make. It may be painful at times and it may take a lot of effort in some places, but the reward is something you can look on with pride and love.

Until next time, be well!
Christy

***

eTalkTherapy - talk with a counselor online

About the author: Christy Gualtieri is a freelance writer specializing in pop culture, religion, and motherhood. She lives in Pittsburgh with her husband and two children. Christy also blogs at asinglehour.wordpress.com and tweets @agapeflower117. You can  follow her here on eTalkTherapy for inspirational articles and different perspectives as they relate to good mental health.

What to Expect in Therapy

Listen Tell Me More: Episode 3

(Music fades in) If you’ve ever struggled with depression, anxiety or relationships and feel you might finally be able to reach out for help, today’s podcast is for you. (Music picks up)

There’s no better time than right now to take that all important first step to better mental health. I’m Susan Brozek Scott and in this episode of Tell Me More, we’re talking with Don Laird, licensed psychotherapist and founder of eTalkTherapy.com, who can help us all learn more about what to expect in therapy and how to find the right therapist for you.

SUSAN: Don good to be with you today.

DON: Thank you Susan, as always it’s a pleasure.

SUSAN: Don, for a lot of people therapy may seem like a completely foreign process where they will have to share parts of themselves that they’ve never really shared with anyone before (music fades out). Talk us through how therapy actually works so people will know what to expect.

DON: Sure, good therapy provides a safe and creative space where people can explore their problems and issues. Most importantly it opens a space and time to be heard, acknowledged and understood. And that’s what we want out of life. We want to be acknowledged and understood. And let me know say this too Susan, it’s not like what you see on TV or in the movies, sometimes they get it close but most often they don’t. The other thing too is that psychiatry and psychology have done a monumental job – this is something that I say all the time – they’ve done a monumental job out of making things a little more complicated than they need to be. The therapeutic process itself, it sheds light on how we are who we are and gives people a greater understanding about living as fully, mindfully and compassionately as possible. Therapy enables people to explore their lives and be open to the choices that are available to them. Whatever the reasons are that people choose therapy, it means taking a greater more truthful look at ourselves. Through closer exploration of our anxieties, fears, hopes and dreams, therapy is a life-changing opportunity to transform our attitudes towards living and really makes some life-long changes.

SUSAN: Everyone is different, how does a person go about finding the right therapist for their needs? How do they pick that professional they can comfortable enough with to share all those personal and very private issues?

DON: As I tell my students and supervisees it’s all about the relationship. In real-estate Susan, as you know it’s location, location, location. In therapy, it’s the relationship, relationship, relationship. It takes real courage for someone to reach out and share their most intimate fears, darkest shadows and their hopes and dreams. A good therapist wants to build a relationship with you – not just provide a quick fix or give you homework that you could’ve gleaned from in any self help book. A good therapist sees you as a whole person, not just a set of symptoms or worse yet, a diagnosis. For me, good mental health starts with a strong therapeutic relationship and ends with a person creating a life worth living.

SUSAN: Are there any guidelines that suggest how long this relationship should last?

DON: As much as it is about the relationship Susan, there are some boundaries, and a good therapist will establish these with you from the first session on. How to contact them between appointments, fees treatment planning if needed and – the million dollar question – how long am I going to be in therapy? Everyone is different. There is no one-size-fits-all nor should there be. Let me give you an example, you go to the doctor and you get an antibiotic and if you’re like me after a few days maybe a week you start to feel better and you start to question – do I really need to take this for 14 days and the answer is yes! You do. Therapy is no longer a forever thing. Let’s get that straight. On the other hand if you start out and you’re making progress and then you stop abruptly – let’s go back to that antibiotic example – what is going to happen there? It’s most likely your issues and problems are going to circle back around on you. Just like life itself, it has a beginning, middle and an end and a good therapist will discuss how the course of therapy will run in that first session or two.

SUSAN: From your experience Don, as a licensed psychotherapist, do people always know what their problems are when they start to talk about them? Do they often think they have an issue in one area when it really might be something else?

DON: That’s a great question and the long answer is yes and no, spoken like a true therapist right. But life is like that. Everyone is different and we’re all the better for that. Some folks come into therapy with a very driven agenda and that can be helpful but it can also reflect on why their relationships in the real world sometimes feel strained, rushed or even distant. Some folks look to therapy as ways of gaining better meaning into their issues and some people want to use therapy as way to figure out what’s wrong with the world or with their family and that may signal someone who doesn’t want to take on the responsibility of choice or even life itself. We all don’t do pain or change very well. It’s how we’re built and as a result we create false narratives around how and who we are. That’s an extremely creative process and one that obviously doesn’t happen overnight. So channeling that creativity into designing a new narrative is something I strive to do with every client I work with. I believe a strength based approach while acknowledging limitations but not bowing to them is the most creative and mindful way for therapists to engage others.

SUSAN: How can intervention at a critical time in a person’s life and the right treatment plan change lives?

DON: It’s so important for people to take that first step and it is an act of courage. But if you think about it this way Susan, if I am pushed up against a brick wall and I am face-to-face with that brick wall I can’t see up, I can’t see down, I can’t see to either side of me, all I can see are these bricks in front of me and that feels hopeless. By taking that step, and engaging with a therapist in creating a meaningful relationship, a creating a meaning therapeutic relationship, means taking a step back from that wall. Being able to get some perspective on this problem and this issue – having someone walk along side of you and help guide you through the process, well that’s life changing.

SUSAN: Don Laird, licensed psychotherapist and founder of eTalkTherapy.com, thanks for helping guide us through the steps to live our very best life. (Music fades in)

DON: Thank you for having me Susan.

Music continues…

This podcast does not provide medical advice. The content is for informational purposes only. Consult with your doctor on all medical issues regarding your condition and treatments. The content is not intended to be a substitute for professional psychiatric or medical advice, diagnosis or treatment nor does it replace the need for services provided by a medical or psychiatric professional. Always seek the advice of a medical professional, psychiatrist or therapist before making any changes to your treatment.

Music fades out.