Mental Health Archives - Page 12 of 13

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What Do You Mean?

“I have to go potty!” My daughter called from the other room. I put down the dish I was washing, slipped off my rubber gloves, and hustled out of the kitchen.

“Great!” I told her. “Let’s go!” I’d been hoping she’d finally gotten far enough in her potty-training journey that she’d be able to recognize when she needs to go on her own, rather than having to rely on my near-incessant reminders throughout the day.

We rushed to the door of the bathroom, and she stopped short. “I don’t have to go.”

“Let’s go!” I told her, anxious to get things moving, and not at all excited about the prospect of having to clean up yet another accident.

“I don’t have to go.”

I looked at her, trying to keep my exasperation level down. (I was only mildly succeeding.) “You just said you had to go, honey. Let’s give it a try.”

“I. Don’t. Have. To. GO!” She screamed, stamping her foot.

I threw up my hands. “Fine.” I headed back to the kitchen, and was only about a foot away from her when she called out.

“Mama, I DO have to go!”

***

We had a saying growing up that I plan on making sure I pass down to my kids: Let your yes mean yes, and your no mean no. It comes from the Bible, and it’s always made sense to me. But as someone who has spent most of her life thus far wanting to be The Favorite, The Most Well-Liked, and The Best Friend Ever, those words gave me a lot of anxiety. There are so many things I want to say, but I’m always so worried – what will the person I’m talking to think? Will they still like me after they hear my thoughts? What happens if they don’t?

I know, I know – my insecurity level? Expert!

I spent so much time in my life tamping down what I think in order to always say the “right” thing – or, rather, what I think others wanted to hear. If I did that, I reasoned, then I could be everyone’s friend. No one would dislike me. It made sense!

Until it didn’t. Because I’ve found that generally, people do two things when confronted with behavior like that: 1) they know exactly what I’m doing; and 2) they don’t like it, because they know it’s not authentic. And I’d get called out on it. And when I did, I’d move through this really interesting cycle of behavior: someone would say, “Is that what you really think?” I’d say yes, then feel awful and terrible about myself afterward, because I knew I was lying – not only to them, but to myself. It feels awful to deny yourself the truth, but I didn’t know how to get out of it. I didn’t know how to be my authentic self.

Not such a long time ago, I happened to be at the library in my neighborhood when I struck up a conversation with another mother with young children. She was starting the process of homeschooling her oldest, and asked me if I home-schooled or, if I didn’t, if I knew of anyone in town who did.

“I don’t,” I said. “But I have many friends who do, they live in another state, but if you want, I can give you some bloggers I read that home school, for ideas.”

She shook her head. “Thank you, but no,” she said. “I really just wanted to know if there was anyone local, so I could meet up in person. Thank you anyway.”

We got on talking about something else, but that short little bit of conversation was so striking to me, precisely because it was the opposite of something I would do. If our roles were reversed, I’d probably throw a bunch of clarifiers in there, floundering around in conversation, but she didn’t do that. I loved so, so much that she knew exactly what she was looking for, and when she didn’t find it, she thanked me, but also made her point perfectly clear with no animosity, no worries that I was insignificant, and without belittling me. She knew what she was about and communicated it clearly, and didn’t seem to care about my opinion one way or another.

All of this is something I have such a hard time doing! But I was able to use it as a wonderful example in my own life, for clearly communicating my own thoughts and needs. As I’ve been able to learn about how to be assertive, and how to speak up for myself, I’ve been doing my best to listen to others and realize that just because I think one thing does not mean they are any less of a person because they don’t agree with me. It seems so silly to say that, but it’s what I had been doing, in reverse. Before, if I had spoken my mind, and someone would have disagreed, I would have felt ashamed, or stupid, or less than, even if the person I was talking to didn’t intend those things. But I’m learning now that all of that thinking had to do with my anxiety, not with them.

And so I’m trying to learn, and to practice the skill of clear communication: of my yes meaning yes and my no meaning no. It’s a hard one to master, but it truly feels worth it. It feels authentic! And it feels really good. If insecurity in conversation with others is something you struggle with too, you are not alone! Let’s go through it together.

Until next time, be well!
Christy

Gaslighting and the Single Girl

by Aurora Starr

I spend way too much time observing others. It’s both a curse and a gift. I’m certain this activity could be pathologized in some way, given the right psychiatrist on the wrong day. “A maladaptive attempt to give her boredom an outlet…Does not play well with others or reality.” Not that I could actually do anything productive with my annotations other than voice them on occasion with the readers of this blog. However, I do think there is value in being able to read others well, even for the sake of feeding my maladaptive daydreaming disorder (I’m not certain that’s even a thing, but I’m sure it will be).

Gaslighting 101

So color me mystified that in spite of my best observations and guardedness a full-time gaslighter recently managed to seep into my personal life. I’m certain you know at least one of these toxic jackasses, who is probably within throwing distance now as you read this (not that I’m advocating violence), but just in case here are a few general things to be aware of when dealing with someone who gaslights for a living:

The only time they are not lying is when their mouths are shut or they are not typing a text.
They lie to others on your behalf. Then they make you think that the lie originated with you.
Their mistakes, poor choices or problems are now yours.
They manipulate your feelings and thoughts.
They shut you out, cast doubt on you, and minimize your feelings when they are approached.
Their recall of events is dramatically different than yours and your recall is then questioned.
You grow increasingly anxious and depressed when thinking about this person.
They will not own any of these traits, characteristics or behaviors. It’s someone else’s fault.

To anyone who has experienced this type of person or persons, I’m sorry.

You deserve better. If you have someone in your life who gaslights, lose this person as quickly as possible before you lose yourself. Now let’s talk about the term itself. I’m not a mental health professional because, well, I’m not. It’s not my calling. However, when you think about it, someone who “gaslights” would have been called a manipulative, lying asshole some years ago before everything needed a diagnostic code or reframed in a way that was appealing and lucrative to a mass of pharmaceutical companies and researchers. My point is this, gaslighting or any of the so-called Personality Disorders are pure hokum and just shitty science. I’ m not going to substantiate that claim here. I don’t have to. Go research it yourself.

Hold your letters and pitchforks, please.

I’m not suggesting that all mental health issues are hogwash, but I know enough to tell you that the American Psychiatric Association has created a self-perpetuating, self-serving category of “disorders” for personality types. A few of these include Nacassitic Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder and Obsessive Personality Disorder. It would seem that these traits and characteristics are rolled together in a gray area where psychiatry and psychology lose all their credibility. Medications and most behavior modification for a personality disorder are useless and again continue the belief that everything must be explained away by science, even being a manipulative jerk. There are people out there hurting. They have real problems. Focusing on personality disorders or researching “gaslighters” takes time and funding away from the work that needs to be done in the areas of depression, schizophrenia, trauma and anxiety, just to name a few. You know, real stuff? Not a disorder to allow a selfish (insert your own colorful metaphor here) off the hook. Can we please all agree that not every person needs to be defined by some sort of pathology?

Regarding my recent encounter with someone who gaslights? She knows who she is, and I hope that someday she will want to change. I doubt it though. I cut her from my life completely. Insight comes through self-exploration and an ability to take responsibility for my actions. Awareness doesn’t grow on trees or come in pill form, but it does help if my life has meaning beyond hurting others as way to validate my existence. If my being is dependent on how well I spin my narrative then it’s time to rethink who I am.

Shine bright,
Aurora

Please note: The opinions expressed in this blog are not necessarily the views of eTalkTherapy. Aurora Starr is a freelance writer, not a therapist, and her views, thoughts and opinions are her own. However, if you are easily offended then Aurora’s blog may not be for you.

Meet Therapist Christina Pettinato

Join us in welcoming the newest member of our eTalkTherapy family, Christina Pettinato, who brings with her a wealth of clinical experience and a refreshing take on the importance and application of meaning in the therapeutic relationship. Get to know more about Christina in today’s blog post.

What does therapy mean to you?

It’s a complex question, but I believe it is the conscious act of two or more people engaging in purposeful and honest conversation with the intention of gaining insight, meaning and trust.

What makes therapy successful?

What I believe makes therapy successful is the devotion to the therapeutic relationship. There is nothing more important to therapy than the connection between two people. This unique connection lays a secure foundation that in turn creates a space for exploration, meaning, mindfulness and self-reflection.

How has existentialism shaped your role as a therapist?

Existentialism shaped my role as a therapist the day I walked into my first class called Existential Psychotherapy. Right then and there I knew I had been craving for something different; a new way of thinking and a desire to travel deep within myself so that I could help others. I now have a new perspective on life, meaning, and finding purpose. It has been a liberating journey and I’m looking forward to the road ahead.

What is your life philosophy?

What I would consider my life’s philosophy is the act of understanding how I choose to devote my life’s energy to maintaining a life in the here and now. I value the act of creating meaning, helping others and making choices with purposeful action and gaining great comfort in the acts of learning and helping.

Describe yourself in three words?

Passionate. Inspired. Intuitive.

What was the last book you read? Your thoughts on it?

“Therapy with Children An Existential Perspective,” by Chris Scalzo. I really enjoyed it because as you read his words, you can really gain a sense of the author’s feelings of care and understanding related to children. This book provided me with an existential view on how to work with children while breaking the barrier that existentialism is a practice solely meant for adults. His rich words, research and ideas on the subject intrigued me, as this work is written with simplicity and taught by connecting theory with real world application. That approach is sadly lacking in many books and articles written on the subject of existential psychotherapy and counseling.

If you could meet someone living or dead, who would it be AND why?

If I could meet someone living or dead? I would love to meet my great, great, great, great, great (I believe it is that many “greats”) grandmother, the matriarch of my family and our name. I listened to her story being told many times by my older relatives as I grew up, and I have had the honor and privilege to visit and walk the streets she was known to have walked in our home country of Italy. Words could not describe how that moment would feel or what it would mean to me.

Share something about yourself that others would be surprised to learn?

I believe that others would be surprised to learn that I have been a co-host of a podcast (and soon a new podcast called Existential GPS). I say this because if you would have asked or known me before I dove head first into this adventure I probably would have said “No way, I can’t do that!”

Complete this sentence “The quality I most value in a friend”

The quality I most value in a friend is trustworthiness. Period.

Complete this sentence “The quality I most value in myself”

The quality I most value in myself is my integrity. Period.

If you are looking to make positive changes in your life, we can help! Please contact us today about how to register and schedule your live video-chat counseling session with Christina.

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The Accidental Existentialist Issue 2

Read the SPRING 2018 edition of The Accidental Existentialist now or download it to read later. In this issue you will find great articles, including new works by mental health professionals Christina Pettinato, Morgan Roberts and Don Laird. Leave a comment below to let us know what you think – Enjoy!

From the Publisher: Our goal is to promote the human condition by advocating for the basic essentials of existentialism as a blueprint for the development of the human arts and sciences through the further study of meaning, metaphor, myth, freedom, isolation, spirituality, creativity and death. Let’s move our existential concepts back to their foundations and away from the world of prohibitive academia where they have gone to die a slow and rather uninspired death. As the walls of an empire begin to crumble we stand on the threshold of a new era. It is one that could produce great opportunities for individual enlightenment as well as a cultural renaissance. In short, let’s not blow it.
– Don

Taking It In

by Christy Gualtieri

I’ve always been captivated by the the things I “took in.” When I was a kid, I’d watch a movie and get so caught up in the plot and the scenery, I’d spend a not insignificant amount of time afterward acting like my favorite characters. I devoured books to the point that if I got in trouble at home, those were the first things taken away, not dessert or television time. And when I did get older, and TV took the place of going to the movies (because when you have kids, time to go to the movies significantly decreases), there would be some episodes of shows I’d watch where I couldn’t do much but sit with my mouth wide open, trying to process what I’d just seen. (I mostly did this after every episode of Breaking Bad.)

When I was a kid, I was pretty impressionable. I’m thankful that I grew up around family and friends who were good and decent people and gave me a good example to follow. Most adults grow out of their impressionable-ness, but I don’t know that I have. I think I still have the type of personality where it would be relatively easy for me to change my own feelings and actions after being immersed in some type of popular culture.

And I don’t think I’m alone, either. I think most of us, as cemented as we are in our own thoughts and opinions about things, are still that way. We take in the world around us, and it’s hard not to become immersed in it. Think of how much we’re absolutely bombarded with each and every day. Think of how much we take in when we look at our phones almost as soon as we wake up. If the first thing you see in the morning is the front page of a news site that’s screaming in capital letters about how the whole world’s going downhill faster than anyone could reasonably predict, is it any wonder you start the day in a bad mood? And as the day continues, you’re checking out other people’s lives and what they’re up to, do you feel inexplicably sad, like your life doesn’t measure up somehow? And after getting through your day, what’s the last thing you see on your screen? Will it help you sleep well, or will it put you in an uneasy place that might lead to anxiety-filled dreams?

I don’t say all of these things to judge you if you use your phone all the time. I use my phone way more often than I’d like! But I do say this to remind myself and you, too, that I think these things do matter, even if it’s on a subconscious level. You might not think your actions and your thoughts are so dependent on what you’re taking in, but there is a real connection there. And that’s not to say it’s a bad thing! You just might want to focus on the positive in all of it, instead of just negative.

And do I mean you should throw away your phone, unplug your TV, and bury your head in the sand? No. But I do mean to say that your anxiety and your worry might decrease if you step away from the frenetic static of Internet World and you focus on the world that is directly in front of you, because it’s the world that you live in. It’s so much fun to imagine yourself, as I did when I was a kid, in The Matrix; or in the Civil-War-torn era that the March sisters lived in. But the reality is that you are here, now. You live where you do for a reason, and you have such power to influence those around you, for the good.

So I’m challenging both you and myself a little bit this week! How can we move (even if it’s a slow, sloth-like pace) away from what we see on a screen, and focus our vision on what’s around us, now, in the present moment? And if there’s nothing of interest there, can we turn again, inward, to ourselves? Our own thoughts, our own feelings? I can assure you that there is a whole world of adventure to be found.

Until next time, be well!
Christy

Finding Your Meaning

by Christina Pettinato, MS, NCC, LPC, DCC

Ask anyone on the street what his or her greatest wish is, and you’ll probably hear some variation about winning the lottery, going on a dream vacation or owning a new home. A person on a diet might wish for a guilt-free sundae; a prisoner might wish to be home again; someone with a terminally illness might long for improved health and more time. All very real and very valid things (security, safety, freedom, comfort), and having any of these might make someone happy. And everyone wants to be happy, right?

Viktor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor, psychiatrist, and curator of all things steeped in “meaning” wrote: “Man’s main concern is not to gain pleasure or to avoid pain, but rather to see a meaning in his life.”

Meaning drives us out of bed and into the world, and it looks different for everyone. Each of us has meaning. Everyone has purpose, and it is innately buried in a person’s psyche to fulfill that purpose. And therein lies the challenge, “Who am I?” and “What brings meaning to my life?”

These questions, because they are so entwined with the human psyche, are not easy to understand. How do we find meaning in our lives? Will finding meaning always bring us happiness, and are meaning and happiness the same thing?

Well, no.

A (very loose) example from a friend of mine: “Christina, before my husband and I had children, we would spend entire weekends loafing around our apartment. We worked hard during the week, and we’d get things done on weekends, but for the most part, we just sat on our futon in the living room and even slept there. Sounds heavenly, right? It certainly did to me, but five years later I am the parent of two kids and absolutely no downtime in sight. But the truth is, I found those days to be so unsatisfying. Instead of feeling wonderful, I felt tired. Relaxation led to a certain kind of laziness, headaches and a deep sense of ennui. Believe me; I’d love a day with no responsibilities. But I also wouldn’t want those huge stretches of time back where I did nothing. It was an illusion of comfort and happiness. Those days were filled with empty minutes, time which I sadly wasted. I was unfulfilled.”

Happiness does not always equate meaning, and meaning doesn’t always equate happiness, but when we find our meaning and work toward its fulfillment, we open opportunities to find joy.

But…how?

The first step is to ask what is it that I want? Meditation is wonderful for this: it clears our minds, enabling us to dig deep and foster a healthy inner-dialogue. An app that helps that meditation and relaxation is called Calm, which uses guided meditation as well as ambient noise to provide an environment conducive to meditation.

The second step is to reach out and locate your tribe. Like-minded people are relatively easy to find on the web. Using apps like Meetup to discover others who are engaged in activities that give their lives purpose is a great way to ensure that you will be able to do so, too.

The third step is to promote physical and emotional well-being. Maintaining a healthy lifestyle (eating right, exercising, meditation, and good sex) can make it easier for your body, mind and soul to find balance. This includes good mental health; seeking help for issues that hold us back can help you find your way through the fog of uncertainty and lead you to a place of clarity and action.

Finding meaning and purpose in your life may feel overwhelming at times, but what journey doesn’t have an occasional shortcoming? Meaning is within us all. It is a call that only you can uniquely answer, and the world can be much a better place because of your contributions!

Avanti,
Christina

Christina’s blog features articles from the perspective of an existential therapist who writes about psychology and theories connected to the human experience.

Shadow, Light and Latte

by Aurora Starr

Sitting in the coffee shop I watched with fixed curiosity as a thirty-something woman entered from the rain-soaked sidewalk. Her choice of attire; a colorful skirt and solid blouse with smartly matched leggings and subtle make-up simply shrieked of someone who was poised and full of purpose. As she carefully ordered some variation of a flat white, caramel, green tea infused what-the-fuckuccino I took note of her face. Was she rushed? Flustered? Indecisive? No, shit, she looked beautiful and confident, didn’t she? One might even say that she appeared to be brimming with self-assurance. I quickly adjusted my sweater, smoothed out my skirt and then thought about shifting my attitude.

Mean Girl – Table for One

My thoughts can quickly leap from that of cool, calm Zen goddess to the founder and CEO of Imposter, Inc. Self-sabotage is something that I’m sure most women and girls are familiar with, but we rarely talk about it. Yet, the inner-mean girl seems to always be waiting just on the other side of the locker room and she is not happy. How am I certain of that? Well, if my thoughts suddenly shift to, “There are people far better and more talented than you. Life comes to them naturally and everything for you is a struggle. You’re going to fail so why even try?” then I know I am committing self-sabotage. My personal favorite from the Mean Girl Greatest Hits Compilation, “Who do you think you are? Don’t be too happy. You lucked out and people will see through you soon enough.”

The Great Pretender

What I just described is known as impostor syndrome and it is produced by feelings and thoughts of worthlessness, insecurity, and devaluation of self. In fact, even high-achievers often fear being exposed as frauds. It can occur when trying something new or even when doing something familiar. It is a constant threat of “being exposed” on a professional and/or personal level as a con-artist, and a belief and bias that most of what you do is all about the timing and people will find out.

Self-awareness can be a frustrating quality to possess. I know these things, but what do I do with them? Talk to a friend, a therapist, a priest? What good will any of that do? Then the light-bulb goes off, no amount of thinking will change anything. I’m caught in the same self-defeating, help blocking loop that brings me full circle when it comes to self-sabotage. Something must change, and I’m the only one with any control over that realization.

I am not an impostor or a fraud. I am here because I’ve worked for it. There will always be others doing it better than me, but there’s only one me. Period. I have a voice that is my own, and I want to share it with the world. It’s not about being selfish or egocentric. It’s about affirming my right to be alive and engage with others in a meaningful and helpful way. Doubting my self-worth will do little to help.

Now if this is beginning to sound like one of those self-help books or seminars, let me save you the trouble. Stop reading. I won’t mind, really. I am the first one to call bullshit on all the women and men who profess to have the answers to life and happiness and peddle their reality as truth and common sense as some sort of universal awakening.

Being Perfect in My Imperfections

When we set unrealistic expectations for ourselves and goals that are based on what we think others want then we are drafting the blueprints for self-sabotage. Instead, begin to focus on the value of what you’re doing rather than how you’re doing it. In other words, determined action is far better than perfection. Ask yourself, what value can you find in the things you do? And don’t compare yourself with others, especially on social media. Those outlets are little more than masturbation, fun for a moment, but not a substitute for a real face-to-face encounter.

Allow for the time to honor and take inventory of your professional and personal achievements without shrinking away in self-deprecating negative talk or minimizing your efforts. Again, there will always be someone, smarter, richer, prettier and more talented, but that shouldn’t stop you from being a creative beast and contributing your efforts to the world. Big or small, your accomplishments and hard work count. Be proud – smile and say thank you when you are recognized for an accomplishment. Above all, own it.

Our life journey should not be one based on comparison. It really is not a competition. I am no better or worse than the person next to me. Our life situations are different, and we are unique, but we are no better or worse by comparison. It’s all relative.

As for the woman in the coffee shop? I watched her exit as composed as she had entered, quickly hailed a cab and made her way into the rainy cityscape. I wished her the best on her journey and then wished the same for myself.

Shine bright,
Aurora

Saying Yes – and No.

by Christy Gualtieri

Recently, my family helped out a neighborhood family up the street while they welcomed their second child into the world. My kids and husband and I stayed with our friend’s older child, an adorable three year old, and spent the day with him as his parents and new baby brother settled into a routine at the hospital. Our neighbors had a rough go of it; the delivery had some complications, and although everything, thankfully, turned out all right in the end, there were some really harrowing moments in between the long hours of the day.

Our neighbors were really thankful for our help, and we were glad to do it. There have been many times that we’ve needed to rely on others, and we try to raise our children to feel that if we can do something to help someone else, we should.

It doesn’t need to be anything big. It could be offering to babysit, walk a dog, pick up groceries, bring in the trash cans, picking up mail, whatever. Offering to help an older person cross the road. Spending some time on the phone with a long-distance friend who is going through a hard time, just offering to lend an ear instead of your opinion.

I have many friends who would do anything for anyone at the drop of a hat, just to lend a hand. Are you that way?

It makes sense that we should try to help. But, like everything else in life, helping requires balance. If you find yourself being the kind of person who says “yes” to helping all the time – maybe more often than you think you can – you can find yourself getting burnt out, and starting to resent doing so much for others.

Helping others also requires saying, “no,” too. See if this sounds familiar:

“Why isn’t anyone helping me? I do so much for everyone – take time out of my day, with all the things I could be doing, and no one helps me. Can’t they see I’m struggling? Where’s my help?”

If it does, then it’s time to start saying “no.” Take care of yourself. Because if you carry on and try to push through your resentment with gritted teeth, your resentment will cause both you and those you help distress. Something’s going to give, and it’s not going to be pretty.

Maybe you do have balance – you say “yes” when you can, and “no” when you can’t, which is wonderful!

But…do you also say, “thanks!” Meaning, you let someone help you? Because it can be common for people to help others all the time, even when they do so responsibly, and not accept any help when it’s offered to them. Letting someone help you gives them a great gift: it helps them feel like they’re doing something nice, it helps them remember that it’s a good idea to reciprocate and to give after they’ve received something, and it helps you to realize that you are not a superhero who needs to do everything for everyone with nothing in return.

Of course, there are seasons in our lives when we are not in a position to do as much as we would like. But remember, balance: if you are able to help others in need, please do. If it causes you distress, anger, or resentment, then don’t (or, find something or someone else to help). And don’t forget to take up an offer to have the help reciprocated, every once in a while.

In doing all of this, we can help our families, neighborhoods, communities, and world be a much, much better place.

Until next time, be well!
Christy

Is your relationship ready for therapy?

by Don Laird, MS, NCC, LPC, DCC

“We just don’t connect anymore.” “I don’t trust you.”

“I hate having the same argument over and over again.” “I think it’s over.”

Sound familiar? Welcome to couple-hood and read on.

Seeing a couple’s therapist is not the first step toward divorce or separation. It is not about blaming your spouse or partner for everything that is wrong in your relationship, and it is certainly not about admitting defeat. Couples need to be open to therapy, particularly if the arguments, lies and hurt feelings are leading both to think that the relationship is permanently stuck. Couples need to be ready to work at their relationship and not expect the therapist to “fix” it for them. So, when is it time to hit the couples’ couch, you ask? Here are some indicators that couples therapy is the next step in your relationship:

“Communication, table for two?”

Do you fear sharing your feelings with your spouse or partner? Do you feel as though it’s not even worth opening your mouth? Then it’s time to consult a therapist. Couples find themselves seeking help for a number of reasons, but poor communication and mistrust are the two chief complaints of most couples. Communication encompasses verbal contact (how well you converse and argue as a couple), written communique (texting and other forms of electronic messages), and the all important social cues, “Did you just roll your eyes at me!”

A common characteristic of couples who communicate well: They share feelings – sorrows, joys, hopes, dreams, and frustrations.

“I think what we’ve got on our hands is a dead shark.”

The above quote is voiced by Woody Allen in the movie ‘Annie Hall’ when he realizes that his relationship with Diane Keaton has stopped moving forward and is sinking fast. Being stuck may be the biggest sign that couples need therapy. But what does being stuck look like? Simply put, it feels like the couple is doing the same thing over and over again, and no matter how hard they try to change, things always ends up the same or worse. In many ways, they’ve just given up because that is the path of least resistance. A common characteristic of couples who are not in a rut: They communicate directly and show appreciation for each other’s ideas and feelings.

“What Happened? I didn’t sign up for this.”

Consider couples therapy as a proactive endeavor. I highly recommend that any couple seeking marriage or a live-in situation seek therapy before doing so. Sure you love each other, sure you’re not like “so and so” and that will never happen to you, but why take the risk of not openly and honestly discussing how each of you might react or feel under the stress of life events like: infidelity, family issues, or financial strain? Why wait until you are in a relationship with no clue how to navigate the arguments or respectfully engage with the other? A common characteristic of couples who use therapy as a preventative tool: They face conflict open and honestly.

“Intimacy – The Space Between.”

Intimacy isn’t just about sex. It is also about our ability to be vulnerable with the other. When intimacy fades from a relationship, couples therapy is a must. Intimacy refers to the feeling of being in a close personal relationship and belonging together. It is a familiar and effective connection with another as a result of a bond that is formed through knowledge and experience of the other. Intimacy suffers when the space and distance created by one or both people is no longer tolerable. Sex (if it is happening at all) feels empty, moments that used to create laughter and sharing are no longer happening, and that “connection” you had, well, that seems like a distant memory. Can you hug your significant other without cringing? If not, it’s time to seek professional assistance. A common characteristic of couples who are able to honestly face intimacy issues: They grow together, not apart.

Remember it is always important to consider whether your relationship is ready for therapy, but don’t throw in the towel just yet. Give it a chance. You can get all the advice and affirmations you need from family, friends and self-help gurus, but there is no substitute for working together with a professional therapist in a space that is designed to help your marriage or relationship mature and grow.

If you would like to continue the conversation about your relationship or marriage click here to schedule an appointment with one of our couples therapists.

In Good Health,
Don

Need to be Needed

By Don Laird, MS, NCC, LPC, DCC

Who among us has not experienced the family member who “needs to be needed?” The person who for various reasons becomes the family rescuer? A “martyr,” “savior” or “saint” that will come through for others even at the expense of their own well-being? Codependency, by its very definition means that there a mutual dependent relationship, and that someone is usually a family member or a significant other. Co-dependency is a term traditionally associated with the treatment of addiction and recovery, but for our purposes let’s examine it in another light.

The question that comes to mind is why would someone want to be a full-time rescuer? What benefit is there to a person if she or he is driven to a point of being unhappy, resentful, chronically stressed, and physically or emotionally ill?

People who struggle with codependency typically grow up with an adult family member who demands perpetual emotional care. Often, this is a parent who never reached full emotional maturity. The phenomena of the helicopter parent comes to mind as this is someone who won’t allow for his or her child to experience the world as both a place of kindness and a place where you do indeed get hurt, sometimes badly. The codependent needs to be needed, and this is where things often fall apart when their way of understanding the world is threatened.

“I am because I serve.”

Love, confidence and self-esteem get knotted up with unending service. The codependent grows up starving for love and affection, someone who will “complete me” or fill the void. They feel significant not for who they are, but for what they do for others. The world is only as safe as they deem it to be and, therefore, they must protect those they love in the unhealthiest way possible by sacrificing their own sense of being. As a result, there can be little to no internal change for this person, that energy is redirected into trying to change the world around them. What psychological stability they can attain is contingent on making people dependent on them. This makes them fragile, resistant to change, and by all accounts the family martyr.

This is not to imply someone who is co-dependent lacks empathy, thoughtfulness or understanding. Those qualities can be quite genuine. The issue is ingrained in what tacit emotional agenda accompanies them. This could oscillate between exhaustive periods of giving and sudden “I need to love me first” moments of resentment. The choice is never me and you, but an emotionally immature me or you. People cannot be related to as equals, but instead are seen as those who are in need of my service, AND they should be eternally grateful for my efforts.

Codependency involves a deeply rooted and highly persistent combination of attitudes, values, beliefs, and habits that will not be solved by a reading a self-help book or by a getting a prescription from the family doctor. Moreover, deciding to be “self-loving” won’t do anything either. “Loving me before I can love others” (as pop-psychology insists we chant as a daily mantra) suggests the same type of “self-sacrifice” that drives a co-dependent individual in a most unhealthy way – “See, I am learning to love myself so now I can serve others better.”

Relational conflicts require relational healing. Therapy is perhaps one of the few ways to create a relational world outside of the co-dependent’s universe. In most unresolved emotional conflicts past events remain shrouded in grief, regret and loss. These conflicts are often reinforced by attempts to self sooth or “cure” the feelings.

Beneath the worry and anxiety of someone with codependency sits an unconscious desire to obtain love, security and approval. Yet, for better or worse, the external world is not built to meet this internal need. Facing and allowing for loss and letting go submits an individual to a deep and valuable period of mourning. For the ill family member who could not be cured, for the child who did not get into the “right” school, for the vacation that did not go as planned, for the loss of love and support, misdirected energy is pulled out of persistent rescuing and gives it back to oneself. Though difficult and a times painful, mourning can ignite the process of healing. Creating a new role for those who were at one time in need of my “saving” allowing them to be who or what they actually are instead of trying to rescue them, also increases a sense of emotional maturity.

We should always remember that those who struggle with codependency are highly sensitive and caring individuals. Somewhere along the way the emotional speedometer jumped from 0 to 60 and it was never quite able to decrease to a healthier rate. Co-dependency is not a problem to be cured, but a life issue to be explored and discussed. If you feel you are struggling because of issues related to co-dependency contact us to schedule a confidential appointment.

In good health,
Don

Tag: Mental Health